The Year of Living Honestly

I have something to tell you.

It's not that I've been lying all this time. I consider myself a pretty honest person, with good intentions and friendly relationships. Nobody's always perfectly truthful, are they? I mean, part of being a nice human being is to spare people's feelings, or deny one's own needs for others' sake.

And I don't tell big lies... but when one gets in the habit of casual omissions and little twists on the truth, how hard would it be to find oneself caught in a humongous fallacy? What do I gain by painting a pretty picture if it's a total Weekly World News fake?

I'm not going to scrutinize '08 and earlier, post some kind of confession or lie-detect-o-meter. There's no point in that. I'm not planning to blog my every thought, but there will be some topics I spend more time dealing with than previously... or dealing with, period.

I just want - no, I need to ask myself more this year than in the past: How do I REALLY feel? It's myself I need to be more honest with. When I'm not, it usually lands me in some kind of unpleasantness. I'm sometimes afraid that my honesty will lead to a bad situation... but if it's going to go badly either way, I suppose I have nothing to lose, and may be pleasantly surprised.

I might end up coming across as a bitch at times. On the other hand, if I'm honest earlier rather than later, I might avoid certain instances of bitchiness. Bottling isn't good for anybody. I've known this for twenty-plus years. Why is it so hard to remember?

When I'm in a bad mood, I'm not going to pretend everything's fine. It's better that people around me are forewarned of my category-five emotional hurricanes. I might be less likely to take shit out on people who don't deserve it.

If my feelings are hurt, I'm going to say so, to the person who hurt them, even if I already know that no harm was meant. I can't rationalize it away when my blood runs cold like that. I just start carrying around resentment, and sometimes driving myself away from a friend. Maybe with honesty and time, my feelings will become less easily hurt. (That's not to say I won't give myself a chance to cool down. Honesty doesn't have to be immediate. It just shouldn't be put off too long.)

I'm not going to pretend to agree with opinions when I don't, because they're just that. Opinions. Artistic, philosophical, perfectly mundane - what's so hard about disagreeing? It's not like I have to get into a heated argument. And if someone would like me less for my taste in movies, or my views on what should be legal that isn't, why should I care that they like me at all? Being liked isn't the most important thing in the world.

OH, and I could be more honest about positive feelings, too! I do have them now and then. If I think someone is amazing, why shouldn't I tell them so? If I appreciate someone's friendship or kind words, it's ridiculous to think they wouldn't care to know that. Hell, if the sun is out and my head doesn't hurt, that's reason enough to smile for a few minutes. If I don't remember the positive side of having feelings, none of the rest is worthwhile.

*Sigh of relief* I'm so glad that's off my chest.